What Remains After the Fire
Most men may never understand what it feels like when the body pauses in response, even as doctors insist there is nothing wrong; no hormonal imbalance, no medical explanation, nothing. For nearly six years, I have lived with the stillness of fire that began not after an illness or injury, but after the most profound spiritual awakening of my life.
The event unfolded as a complete rupture of ordinary consciousness. A massive surge of energy, like a serpent coiling and rising along my spine, tore through every chakra until my crown split open. What followed was a cascade of light, as if every particle of my being erupted into ecstatic union, each atom proclaiming with clarity and force: I AM GOD. My body convulsed as though gripped by a seizure, yet my inner experience was one of perfect union with the entire cosmos. Every movement of mine was the movement of the universe, and every movement of the universe was my own.
That experience was ignited months after receiving darshan from Paramahamsa Vishwananda in 2019. Life has not returned to what it once was. The challenges below the waist have resisted every attempt at permanent resolution. Sessions with a chi master provided brief relief, but soon after, the absent spark would return. And yet, despite this, my relationship to the situation is not one of despair. Desire for vitality remains, but acceptance has settled in deeper than disappointment.
For men whose identity is tightly woven to the fire of physical intimacy, such a loss could feel devastating. For me, the years of spiritual preparation softened the impact. I knew that awakening could arrive with consequences. It was not only bliss that I had trained for, but the burning away of old attachments.
Ironically, from a fading of the physical echo came an experience of Tantra more profound than any physical act could offer. Without the presence of another, I encountered the total union of my inner masculine and feminine, the Anima and Animus dissolving into wholeness. The union was so complete that it redefined intimacy itself, showing me that sexuality is not bound to flesh but can open into direct communion with the soul.
Not long after that experience, I faced the deaths of colleagues and a high school friend. The timing was a reminder that awakening is never an escape from life’s fragility. Transformation and loss often arrive hand in hand.
The path that led to that awakening back in 2019 was punishing at times; physically, emotionally, mentally. Yet when I ask myself if I would choose differently, the answer remains no. I would walk this road again, and again, even when the body does not follow the heart, which many would find unbearable. Because what was given cannot be outweighed by what was taken.
Awakening strips away what is temporary to reveal what cannot be lost. Even if the body falters, the truth that was seen remains untouched.
Morgan O. Smith
Get Your Free Copy of My Book, Bodhi in the Brain!
Morgan O. Smith 